When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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