my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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