I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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