he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
