Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
