I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
