he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
