note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my sisters under your porch take her home
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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