I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
