she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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