dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
