In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
