she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
