Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
