I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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