Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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