I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
