You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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