Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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