If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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