I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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