All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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