im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
