You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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