I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
