If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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