just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
