Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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