i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
