She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
