You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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