I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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