Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
