She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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