in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
