life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
