Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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