you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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