I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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