You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
