There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
