New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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