if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
