i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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