I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
