I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
3pm strippers are depressing
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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