he wants to bone in the snuggie
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
