Three words: puerto rican gang bang
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
