I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do herpes really smell.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
