they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
