Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
