i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
