just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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