I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
