i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
