Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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