my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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