and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
