we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.