My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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