I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
