WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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